empty bottles
by kathleenfergie
Summary: Sometimes, Dana Scully sits alone in her apartment, and she remembers. Oneshot.


Hokay. This is a rewrite (I just added a few things) of the original oneshot by the same name. It's set in present time (it was 2012 when I wrote it). Hope you like it :)

Don't own it. Never will.

* * *

Sometimes Dana Scully sits alone in her apartment and remembers.

Slowly, she sips a beer, sitting quietly in an arm chair, and she remembers. Dana remembers the first day she walked into that basement office; the overflow of clippings on the wall, the projector with its slides, and the poster. In her mind she imagine Fox Mulder, twenty years younger, a boyish atmosphere still clinging to his breaking soul. She sees those round glasses, the nose that was a little too long, and his strong chin. Scully, as he would always address her, remembers his eyes and how they sparkled with sarcasm and a hint of suspicious the first time he ever greeted her. Their first case comes to mind, and she laughs over when they lost_ nine minutes. _She remembers the stupid mosquito bites and his hands in a very unprofessional place on her body.

There were the car rides, where most often she would question his theories and he'd spit sunflower seeds out the window for hours. Mulder would tease her and call her Mrs. Spooky, her weak denials drowned out by the outside wind. In the early days it may have bugged Scully that her reputation was being brought down by her allegedly delusional partner, but now she thinks it wasn't so bad, being Mrs. Spooky. Maybe she even enjoys it a little.

Scully thinks about how she could have backed out, or how she could have really became the weasel the bureau had wanted her to be. In her heart, however, she knows she never would have. She thinks that the fact that she strove for professionalism and respect within the bureau won the battle between spy and partner.

She laughs about the Gunmen with their jumpy behaviour and how Frohike never stopped fighting for her heart. She remembers Langley's long, blonde hair that was always deeply in need of a wash, and Byers with his trademark suit and trench coat. The style choices differed between all three hackers.

Compared to her wardrobe, however, she would rather look at their band tees than her multicoloured pant suits and onslaught of shoulder pads.

Dana smiles because she knows that there is a uniqueness to her past and it _(sometimes) _makes her happy to reflect on it.

One memory that she loathes is finding her sister. Melissa had never stood a chance against Krycek, and she always wonders _what if it was me? What if?_

Then other memories come into play. The not-so-nice ones, so to speak. Tooms with his yellow eyes and skeletal hands, stretching through her bathroom vent. Donnie Pfaster's normal features that hid his devilish insides as he planned to dismember her small body; how he threw her down the stairs, and the second time when he used her own apartment against her. The gun shot still rings in her head to this day. Duane Barry is there too, his face through her window before he smashed it. Her screams for Mulder to an answering machine he'd find hours later. The small trunk and her _ascension to the stars._

The tests.

She never remembers all of it. She can't remember what happened at the exact moment of her abduction, how it happened or when. Scully remembers white and silver, always those two colours, signifying the lab coats, the sheets, and the torture instruments they used on her.

She takes a deeper sip for those memories.

Some of her favourite memories, mixed in with all those bad ones, include the sight of Mulder's face. Whether he's there at the right time or almost too late, she remembers the fear and determination in his green eyes. Then there's the concern as he stares at her and holds her while she breaks.

Scully doesn't know how she feels about the cancer. The time she spent in the hospital, cursing God and the government for what they did to her throughout life. When she thinks of remission, she reaches to the back of her neck and feels the soft scar from where the implant lies.

Dana doesn't know how she feels about her cancer. Now it seems just like a blur, the time she spent in the hospital cursing God and the government for they'd put her through. When she thinks about this, she reaches behind her and feels the soft scar on the back of her neck where the implant lies. She hasn't fully accepted whether or not it was the implant or God that saved her. She'll never try to figure it out.

Then there's Mulder's abduction. His ascension to a different set of stars. He'll never tell her what happened, but from his scars, she can fill in. He only ever tells her that all he could think of was her. That makes her swallow more beer because she can say the same. During her pregnancy, when he was gone, was a painful period of her life. During those months, she would sit down and cry because he wasn't there, that he couldn't feel their son kick inside of her. She remembers Doggett's concern for her during their time together; as well as Agent Reyes with her crazy antics and beliefs about unexplained phenomena.

And then they told her Mulder was dead. She still feels the sobs and shakes of her many panic attacks that occurred that night. But then he wasn't, and even though he was cold to her for a time after, he was still Mulder, and he was still hers.

_William_.

She drains half the bottle in one go. If only her mother could see her now.

_William was a bullfrog, was a good friend of mine…_

Her sweet little boy.

She saw him once, almost six years ago. She contacted his parents and asked to see him, just for a little while. Dana needed to see her boy one more time, and then she would never speak to them again. Mulder hadn't been there. He had moved again, a result of his isolation to evade the FBI. So much of the last decade had been lost to him because he was convinced they were still looking for him. She spent days on end sitting at the phone, on her computer, and driving around the country to find him.

'_He's our son, Mulder, pick up the damn phone. Please.' _She had sobbed into his answering machine, one of many long forgotten ones. Whenever Mulder moved, he left everything, except the picture of Samantha, the _I Want to Believe _poster, and the picture of the two of them with William. Monica took it for her before he disappeared.

He was beautiful, tall for his age of five, with deep brown hair and ice blue eyes. He'd inherited the Mulder nose, something her partner had dreaded.

William hadn't known that she was his mother, but he had seemed to know who she was the second she stepped onto their farm. William knew that Dana loved him. He had been a special little boy and she loved him. The Van de Kamps let her stay the whole day while her son showed her the farm, his room, his toys, his dog. His drawings. There were times when she almost cried, but she kept it together on the only day that she would possibly see her son. She doubted she'd ever visit that small town in Wyoming ever again, and if the courts ever found out she'd be in a whole load of trouble.

'_Dana?'_

'_Yes, William?'_

'_Can you come back again and play another day?'_

She shook her head, took his small hands in hers and said that, no, she couldn't. He was sad, but then he wrapped his small arms around her neck, and for the first time, the only thing keeping Dana Scully together was the small boy in her arms. She had vowed never to let herself fall apart in front of him.

The bottle was empty, now.

She seldom ever thought of the case in 2008 that the FBI had called Mulder, and by association, her, into. It wasn't a good memory in her mind, it was just a ghost that she needn't think of.

Scully hadn't seen Mulder in almost a year. They'd been having complicated times and they thought it was best to separate for a while. He was sulking somewhere in Texas, and she was in Virginia. She didn't know when they'd be together again, or at all, but she keeps hope.

Sometimes, Dana Scully sits alone in her apartment, she drinks a beer, and she remembers how much she loved Fox Mulder. She remembers that with the pain in her life came joy and love.


End file.
